OK So, a post about depression

OK So...I have depression. Let me tell you how I discovered this about myself. I have been living in Los Angeles for about four or five years, working the entire time at Point Foundation. I loved my job but I knew I wanted to grow, be challenged, and have greater responsibility - not to mention make more money. I should devote an entire post to explain how Point Foundation in some ways jerked me around about a promotion to "Chief Development Officer" that never happened. I started job hunting since a promotion seemed unlikely. I applied and interviewed and was selected as a final candidate for a position at the Obama Foundation. THe role would be Director of Development -Southern California. It would be the first Obama Foundation position in Los Angeles, and would build a fundraising team here in SoCal. The final interview was a live interview in DC, and I was required to complete an "exercise" which amounted to a brief strategy document addressing some of the issues of raising funds in LA for the Foundation. To be honest, this kind of "exercise" was really challenging for anyone simply because one cannot make a strategic document without a full grasp of the information, the landscape and players involved, etc. THat being said - I tried to put together this exercise that addressed the questions they asked. I found myself really struggling with this exercise. It was difficult to focus, I had a hard time putting my thoughts on paper, organizinig my ideas, and ultimately completing the project. To be honest, I had flashbacks of graduate school and my challenges that I had in writing and completing projects. By some miracle I finished the exercise, but I was not proud of it in any way. I felt like it was a disaster of a work product, and I was frankly very embarassed to share it with the team at Obama Foundation. I was flown to DC, presented my exercise, and once finished I probably collapsed into relief that it was over. I also had a strong sense that I did NOT perform well and was definitely not getting a job offer. I was correct. Once I got back to LA and received the news that they went with the other candidate (I'm always a bridesmaid...) I felt very defeated. I felt like there was something wrong with my brain. I felt like perhaps I had Attention Deficit Disorder (like my Dad) and needed to get treatment. I signed up to speak with a psychiatrist. I have been to therapy before - back in 2010 at the University of Colorado Denver student counseling center - but I had not seen a psychiatrist who could diagnose and possibly treat me medically. After speaking with the shrink, Dr Jurici, about what I felt i was struggling with, we talked about how long this had been going on. As we continued speaking and exploring my past I realized something. This feeling was not new at all! In fact I have been struggling with this situation for as long as I can remember. Particularly in school, I was always a bright, intelligent kid who was disorganized, forgetful, bored, distracted, perhaps overly focused on some things at the expense of others. I would be happy in school to just be left alone to read as many books as i could find. I would do none of my homework but I would score highly on tests - which meant I knew the subject matter and could regurgitate it on command, but I was not focused or organized enough to do my homework. On many occasions I would actually complete my homework but I would lose it, or forget to turn it in. Once, in seventh grade, my Dad came to parent teacher conferences and found out I was failing my Math class. The teacher explained that I would get A's on every test but I had failed to turn in 9 out of 10 homework assignment worksheets. My dad marched me down to my locker, and asked me to open it for him. Piles of books and papers just fell out of it, and we searched the loose papers for the homework assignments. We found 7 or 8 of the missing 9 homework assignments, and most of them were completed (and correct). At 7th Grade I was somehow struggling to complete things and stay organized. One of my teachers told my parents "Adam needs a secretary" to keep me organized. They all knew I wasn't stupid, and in fact was one of the smartest kids in class. I don't recall being "depressed" in school. In fact I was always pretty happy most of the time. But I realized that my brain functions differently than others and sometimes it made me struggle. In grad school I definitely felt lonely and isolated at times, and I would stare at my computer screen and not be able to write the words I was thinking. It took me eons to complete a paper, and most of my time was spent reading and a mad dash at the end to type up my thoughts. I am also gay. I struggled with accepting my sexual orientation because I was taught to believe it was sinful and wrong, and a lifestyle choice. Coming out was difficult. My parents and siblings were not accepting of my orientation and in fact did many things to hurt me during the time I was coming out. More on that later... I went through many heartbreaks, and felt like I had to deal with every single one by myself. No family member would understand why I was broken hearted after I was dumped by my first boyfriend. Being gas is sometimes a lonely existence. Back to the job hunting process in 2018 - after being rejected by Obama Foundation, seeing a shrink, and realizing that my mental condition was actually not a new thing - I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Honestly it was liberating to put a name to the feeling and condition I was experiencing. I opted for no medication initially and started with a cognitive behavior therapist (CBT). After about a year or so of therapy, the Covid-19 pandemic started, and the nation collectively went into lockdowns. I was forced to work from home, and my boyfriend/partner at the time, Sean, was made part-time and salary cut. It was an extraordinarly stressful time for us, for everyone. I decided to start treating my depression medically. I was prescribed the smallest dosage of Wellbutrin (Bupropion) 150Mg. The first week of taking it I noticed a significant improvement in my ability to focus and complete tasks, and I was feeling better overall. I did find that my energy levels crashed around 6 or 7pm. After a few weeks on 150 mg we decided to increase to 300mg. That dosage gave me the most energy and focus and mood improvement overall. I consider wellbutrin to be a life-saver in many ways. Somehow work seemed easier, my thoughts became clearer. I had been experiencing some type of "brain fog" and it seemed to lift with this treatment. After a year of pandemic - lockdowns, work from home, stress, etc - my relationship with Sean ended - another post on that later. I found myself broken hearted and lonely, as well as dealing with the same stress of a pandemic (and that fucking tyrant Trump), so my shrink suggested i increase my dosage to the max 450mg of wellbutrin. As she put it - "you're going through a pandemic and a breakup and depression - if now is not the time for a max dosage, I don't know when it would be." SO I'm on 450mg now and it's been very very helpful. The meds dont cure depression. The meds act as a sort of chemical replacement for the neurotransmitters that don't seem to be working at full steam in my body. NDRIs like wellbutrin help my brain keep more of the hormones dopamine and norepinephrine available. This kick of dopamine helps me with mood, motivation, and the norepinephrine helps with alertness and sleep management. (Interesting note - the process of blocking dopamine reuptake is similar to the impact of cocaine on the body)